Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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