Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
why do cheetos always look like penises
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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