You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He better not be in your backpack
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
