my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
