I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
