I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize