somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
