You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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