good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
