I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
