dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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