Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
