her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I FOUND THE LEGS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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