I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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