Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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