How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
