listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
