The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
