Too much gin, very little bucket
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
