TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
