no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
