I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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