Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
