Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
