yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
