Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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