New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize