Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
