why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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