i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
