You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
