I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
