Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
