70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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