Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
