I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
