What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
