i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
