I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
