so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize