i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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