Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
