somebody snuck up and got me drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
