i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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