Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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