My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
