What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
