You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
