She's JV to your varsity
honey bunches of taint.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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