Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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