i just wanna soil my oats bro
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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