Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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