he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
