escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
