my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
