Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
