this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
