Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
