yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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