I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the condom got lost in my hair
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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