I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
